Parents and Family

Parental Strategies - A Survival Guide for Parenting a College Freshman
The Transition to Adulthood
Developing Autonomy
Developing Mature Interpersonal Relationships
Developing Purpose
Parenting Tips for Success
Helpful tips for supporting students during stressful periods
Helpful Parenting Tips Related to Drugs and Alcohol
The following is a list of eight talking points

Helping Students Adjust to College Life

Parents often wonder how they can better assist their son or daughter through the college transition process. While every student is different, here are some resources to assist you in coaching your student through this challenging, yet exciting, time.

Parental Strategies - A Survival Guide for Parenting a College Freshman

As the parent of a college student, there are many adjustments that you will make as a result of your son or daughter attending college. Parenting a college freshman requires a great deal of patience and resourcefulness. You will share all their joys, frustrations, successes, and failures. We have included some thoughts and suggestions to help make the transition to college smoother for both you and your new college student.

The Transition to Adulthood

Theorists who specialize in the study of young adults have identified certain "tasks" and behaviors associated with psychosocial development between the ages of eighteen and twenty-two. An understanding of these developmental processes can assist parents in maintaining positive relationships with their student during the college years.

Three personal "developmental tasks" are associated with the college years:

Developing Autonomy
Developing Mature Interpersonal Relationships
Developing Purpose

Behavior will vary from student to student, but generally parents may expect some of the following changes.

Ms. Jenna Hyatt
Director of Residence Life and New Student Programs
HyattJ@cwu.edu
(509)963-1320

Ms. Gini Silva
Office Assistant for University Housing and New Student Programs
silvagi@cwu.edu
(509)963-1324

Developing Autonomy

A resentment of advice that may be perceived as an attempt to "control"
A new independence in making decisions without first consulting parents
A "testing" of values by engaging in behaviors that might not be acceptable to parents
Financial difficulties resulting from attempts to handle money independently
Weight loss or gain due to inappropriate eating habits
A drop in grades (as compared to high school) due to difficulty of classes and lack of study habits
A change in daily schedule due to new independence and time management
More assertiveness or aggression in expressing personal opinion with parents
A change in religious practices, including church attendance, acceptance of beliefs, etc.
An unwillingness to discuss activities and relationships
Highs and lows in emotional reactions
A change in style of dress

Developing Mature Interpersonal Relationships

A more accepting attitude toward those with different values and/or those of different cultural backgrounds
Efforts to affiliate with a group - athletic teams, clubs, or religious organizations
Complaints about roommate and/or boyfriend/girlfriend
Expressions of doubt related to sexual behavior and confidence in personality and appearance
Changes in types of commitment in relationships with the opposite sex
A preference for spending time with friends rather than family
A desire to discuss new friends without criticism from parents
Social activity occurring 24hours a day
A change of interest in high school friends

Developing Purpose

Several changes in mind regarding college major and career goals
A resentment of core curriculum classes
Efforts to have parents make decisions about career goals, courses, etc.
A lack of definite plans and structure of lifestyle
Activities unrelated to studies
A fear of disappointing parents and not meeting university standards

Parenting Tips for Success

Start Packing
Set aside health records, a birth certificate, and insurance information. Make sure your child knows his or her Social Security Number.
Avoid Embarrassment
To you your child may still be your little boy or girl, but your son or daughter considers him or herself to be an adult. Think about how your words or actions may impact your son or daughter when in the presence of friends and other students.
Prepare for Change
Although you may not want it to happen, your son or daughter will change, either drastically within the first few months or slowly over the next four years. It's natural, inevitable and can be inspiring and beautiful. At times it's a pain in the neck! Your patience will go miles with your student. In spite of some surface changes and temporary personality shifts, your freshman is still the same person you sent away to school.
Expect Homesickness
The first few days and weeks of school are packed with new experiences, new friends, and new situations. These take up the majority of your freshman's time and concentration, so unless they are reminded of it, they'll probably escape the loneliness and frustration of homesickness. Avoid asking if they are homesick. Even if they don't tell you during those first few weeks, they do miss you.
Maintain Communication
Even though most freshmen can't wait to experience the independence of being away from home, most are anxious for family ties and the security those ties bring. So, write, email, or call your student on a regular basis. Send care packages. Little things mean a lot. Send homemade cookies, a funny card, or the local newspaper to help make home feel closer. Nothing is more depressing than an empty mailbox day after day. However, don't expect your student to respond to every letter or communication. Be consistent and let your child know that you have not forgotten him/her.
Show Your Trust and Support
Finding oneself is difficult enough without feeling that parents are second-guessing you. Your student is beginning to develop his/her own life and important career decisions need to be made by the student. Be a reference, but don't dictate what courses he/she should take.
Choose Questions Prudently
College freshmen are "cool" (or so they think) and have a tendency to resent interference with their newfound independence, but most still desire the security of knowing someone loves them. Parental curiosity can be obnoxious and alienating or relieving and supportive, depending on the attitudes of the persons involved. The "I have a right to know" statement should be avoided. However, honest inquires and other "between friends" communication and discussion will do much to further the parent-freshman relationship.
Plan Visits
Visits by parents are another part of the first year experience many students are reluctant to admit liking but generally appreciate. These visits give students the opportunity to introduce the important people in their lives to each other. Also, it's a way for parents to become familiar with their student's new activities, friends, and commitments. Spur-of-the-moment surprise visits are usually disappointing. Disruption of planned weekend activities can have disastrous results. It is usually best to plan a weekend together, like Family Weekend. Who knows, you may even get to see a clean room.
Avoid the "Best Years of Your Life" Syndrome
The freshman year can be full of indecision, insecurities, disappointments, and most of all, mistakes. It is also full of discovery, inspiration, good times, and interesting people; however, except in retrospect, it is not the good that stands out. Parents who believe that all college students always get good grades, know what they want to major in, have activity-packed weekends, thousands of friends, and can lead carefree, worry-free lives are wrong. Parents who perpetuate and insist upon the "best years" stereotype are working against their child's already difficult self-development. Those parents who accept and understand the highs and lows of their student's reality are providing the support and encouragement where it is needed most.
Prepare for Their Return
When the school year ends and your student returns home for vacation, plan to sit down to discuss the rules for living at home. Parents need to recognize the independence their student has worked hard to achieve, and the student needs to know there still may be rules and courtesies to follow at home. This should also apply to commuter students who live at home during their college experience.

Supporting Your Student's Transition-A Sample of Adjustment Experiences

As you know, certain times of the year are more difficult than others. During these times, additional support for your child is helpful and encouraging. Please remember that this is only a guide designed to help you understand the types of pressures encountered by college students--keep in mind that students experience and react to stress in different ways.

September
Initial adjustment to the academic environment can be difficult. Many students experience homesickness, feelings that they don't fit in, stress of financial adjustments, long-distance relationships and roommate conflicts.

October
Freshmen begin to realize that life at college isn't all fun and games. With midterms on the horizon, common concerns include feeling as if they need to learn new study skills, balance time and class workloads and accomplish more--followed by a fear of failure. Some students also experience illness due to additional stress and changes in weather and atmosphere.

November and December
Academic pressures and procrastination begin to mount. Final exams and course projects can cause stress levels to rise. Students may feel anxiety over decreasing funds from parents and diminishing summer savings. With holidays around the corner, buying gifts and making travel arrangements increase their list of things to do and financial fears.

January and February
A second wave of homesickness can occur. Depression increases as students get tired of winter and being inside. Students begin to have relationship anxieties as they weaken ties with others or change friendships. Students begin thinking about changing majors or transferring schools.

March
Students often experience limited finances and start worrying about summer jobs. Students may also worry about their plans for spring break. The end of the quarter is drawing near and final exams and papers begin to pile up.

May and June
Worry over choosing a major, disenchantment with college life, academic pressure leading to increased changes in dietary habits such as excessive coffee consumption, sleep loss, and anxiety about saying goodbye to friends and seeking summer employment. Sometimes students are upset because they have not done as well academically as they would like.

By listing the above concerns, we do not want to alarm you. We simply want to make you more aware of the issues your child may experience during their first year in college.

Helpful tips for supporting students during stressful periods:

Send "care" packages. Include cookies, candy, small personal items, seasonal items, and a little extra money. A bit of home in the mail makes the student feel closer to home.
Keep the letters and phone calls coming, even if your student is a little lax in returning them. It keeps them from feeling forgotten.
Teach your student laundry techniques, especially hints on how much soap to use, and never to wash new jeans with white shirts.
Encourage your student to get involved. It is a great way to meet new people.
Be aware that a large amount of learning takes place outside of the classroom.
Visit your student on Parent's Weekend or possibly another time during the year. A quick tour of campus enhances a student's school spirit, and a quick visit with friends enhances his/her pride in you.
Allow plenty of room to grow and experiment as your student tests his/her independence.
Be patient; college life requires adjustments for your student.
Relax and hope that they have learned what you have spent 18 years teaching them.
Stay calm. Relax. Enjoy them for who they are.

Helpful Parenting Tips Related to Drugs and Alcohol

Parents are an important partner in higher education and can play an important role in helping to reduce high risk drinking and illicit drug use on campus and in the community. Active family involvement has been found to be a protective factor against alcohol and other drug abuse. It is suggested that parents talk with students about campus life to help prevent problems from occurring once students begin their college experience. Parents can play a critical role in ensuring a smooth transition from home to campus life by staying in touch with their student, even through brief telephone or e-mail contact.

The following is a list of eight talking points:

Set clear and realistic expectations regarding academic performance.
Studies conducted nationally have demonstrated that partying may contribute as much to a student's decline in grades as the difficulty of his or her academic work. If students know their parents expect sound academic work, they are likely to be more devoted to their studies and have less time to get in trouble with alcohol.
Stress to students that alcohol is toxic and excessive consumption can fatally poison.
This is not a scare tactic. The fact is that students die every year from alcohol poisoning. Discourage dangerous drinking through participation in drinking games, or in any other way. Parents should ask their students to also have the courage to intervene when they see someone putting their life at risk through participation in dangerous drinking.
Tell students to intervene when classmates are in trouble with alcohol.
Nothing is more tragic than an unconscious student being left to die while others either fail to recognize that the student is in jeopardy or fail to call for help due to fear of getting the student in trouble.
Tell students to stand up for their right to a safe academic environment.
Students who do not drink can be affected by the behavior of those who do, ranging from interrupted study time to assault or unwanted sexual advances. Students can confront these problems directly by discussing them with the offender. If that fails, they should notify the Residence Hall Cordinator or other residence hall staff.
Know the alcohol scene on campus and talk to students about it.
Students grossly exaggerate the use of alcohol and other drugs by their peers. A recent survey found that University at Albany students believed the average student drinks alcohol twice a week or more, when, in reality, 74% of Albany students drink no more than once per week. Students are highly influenced by peers and tend to drink up to what they perceive to be the norm. Confronting misperceptions about alcohol use is vital.
Avoid tales of drinking exploits from your own college years.
Entertaining students with stories of drinking back in "the good old days" normalizes what, even then, was abnormal behavior. It also appears to give parental approval to dangerous alcohol consumption.
Encourage your student to volunteer in community work.
In addition to structuring free time, volunteerism provides students with opportunities to develop job-related skills and to gain valuable experience. Helping others also gives students a broader outlook and a healthier perspective on the opportunities they enjoy. Volunteer work on campus helps students further connect with their school, increasing the likelihood of staying in college.
Make it clear -- Certain behaviors associated with alcohol consumption, like driving after drinking, and underage drinking are against the law.
Parents should make it clear that they do not condone breaking the law. Parents of college students should openly and clearly express disapproval against dangerous alcohol consumption. And, if parents themselves drink, being a positive role model in the responsible use of alcohol is an effective strategy in the prevention of abuse.

Parents and guardians often find it difficult to talk about alcohol and other drug use because they may drink or use drugs themselves. Another concern that parents and guardians have is that discussion about such a subject as personal as substance use could bring up sensitive family issues. The truth is that virtually every family has been impacted, directly or indirectly, by substance abuse. There is often the personal concern that in order to discuss alcohol use with their son or daughter they must preach abstinence. This simply is not true. The important message is to be responsible and remember to maintain personal and community safety.

If you have questions or would like assistance regarding alcohol or other drug issues and your student, you can contact the Wildcat Wellness Center at 509-963-3214.