Statistics have shown that at least 10% of the general population consider themselves to be lesbian or gay, and many more consider themselves to be bisexual. It is very likely that you will meet individuals who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender.

"The first step in becoming an ally is to know oneself... is important that one first become aware of one's own feelings about lesbian, gay, and bisexual people so one can deal with any negative or uncomfortable feelings before offering oneself as an ally" (Rapp, 1995).

Attitudes towards the sexual minority (Riddle, 1996):

• Repulsion - Being gay is pathological and immoral, and as such, any method is appropriate to eradicate it
• Pity - Being straight is the only right or normal sexual orientation, and those who are unable to be or become straight should be pitied
• Tolerance - LGBT identities are merely and adolescent phase, which individuals will or should grow out of
• Acceptance - It's okay if I don't have to see it or know about it. Being gay is something distasteful which must be accepted, but it is not to be embraced
• Support - Homophobia is wrong. People in this stage have a basic awareness of homophobia's existence, although they may not yet be comfortable with LGBT individuals
• Admiration - It is difficult to be an LGBT person. People in this stage are willing to examine their own homophobia
• Appreciation - People in this stage recognize the contributions of LGBT individuals, and see them as an important part of the human community. These people are willing to address their own homophobia and that of others
• Nurturance - People in this stage genuinely and fully embrace LGBT individuals. They are willing to be advocates for LGBT issues

Personal assessment of homophobia/heterosexism: Knowing where you stand

• Do you stop yourself from doing or saying certain things because someone might think you're LGBT?
• Do you ever intentionally do or say things so that people will think you're not LGBT?
• Do you believe that LGBT individuals can influence you and/or others to change their sexual orientation?
• How do you think you would feel if you discovered that on of your parents, brother/sister were LGBT?
• Would you go to a physician/provider whom you knew to be LGBT?
• If someone you care about said, "I think I'm gay," would you suggest that the person see a therapist?
• Have you ever been to an LGBT function, bar, event, etc.? If not, why not?

It is also important to understand the effects of heterosexism. The following is a list of stereotypes at the root of heterosexist attitudes:

• Assuming that LGBT individuals are only sexual beings
• Assuming that every same-sex attraction is sexual
• Assuming that LGBT individuals are probably interested in you sexually
• Interpreting everything that LGBT individuals do in terms of their sexuality
• Avoiding touch or being close or scared of LGBT individuals in general

• Commenting "it doesn't matter to me that you are LGBT. A basic part of someone's identity and sense of self should matter; it just shouldn't matter negatively
• Expecting people to avoid talking about being LGLT; expecting them not to talk about their partners or relationships

• Criticizing LGBT individuals for "making an issue" of their sexuality
• Not understanding that in our culture, which is alternatively oblivious to LGBT individuals (even dangerous), sexuality is a political issue
• Not seeing that heterosexuality is politically supported by giving legal, financial, and emotional privilege to heterosexual relationships while legally denying LGBT individuals involved in same-sex relationships housing, jobs, child custody, etc.

• Diagnosing or labeling LGBT as a condition for which there is a cure. While these individuals may need support around LGBT issues, it does not necessarily mean that being LGBT is the problem

• Assuming that everyone is heterosexual until proven otherwise
• Always asking women about boyfriends, and men about girlfriends
• Assuming that marriage is everyone's goal
• Assuming that heterosexism doesn't exist because you can't see it
• Considering heterosexism less significant that other oppressions

• Assuming that one LGBT individual represents all of them
• Conversely, completely separating one individual you know by saying, "You're okay and not like the rest of them"

• Putting the burden of responsibility for educating and working toward change on the LGBT individual
• Forcing LGBT individuals to always take the initiative in "coming out"
• Not making openings for people to "come out" by acknowledging in conversations the possibility of non-heterosexual relations
• Becoming upset if every LGBT individual is not always patient about educating you

• Confusing bisexuality with non-monogamy
• Assuming that lesbians hate men
• Assuming that LGBT individuals want to "convert" heterosexuals
• Trying to help someone "go straight"
• Thinking of bisexuality/homosexuality as a phase

It is equally important to have a basic understanding of the identity development for LGBT individuals with whom you may have contact. The Cass Model of Homosexual Identity Development below, is one such model:

Stage	Significance	Possible Needs
Identity Confusion: "Could I be gay?"	Person is beginning to wonder whether or not being gay is personally relevant. Denial and confusion is experienced	May benefit from being permitted and encouraged to explore sexual identity as a normal experience
Identity Comparison: "Maybe this does apply to me?"	Will accept the responsibility that s/he may be gay. Self-alienation becomes social alienation. Likely to grieve for losses (e.g., marriage). May compartmentalize sexuality	Important for the individual to develop own definitions. Will need information about sexual identity, resources, and encouragement to talk about losses of heterosexual expectations. May feel the need for "permission" to keep some heterosexual identity
Identity Tolerance: "I'm not the only one."	Decrease social alienation by seeking out other LGBT individuals. Beginning to acquire "the language"	Needs to be supported in exploring own shame feelings. Receive support with finding LGBT resources/connections
Identity Acceptance: "I will be okay"	Deal with inner tension of no longer subscribing to society's norms, attempt to bring congruence between private and public view of self	Continue to explore grief and loss of life expectations. Continue exploring internalized "homophobia." Find support in making decisions.
Identity Pride: "I've got to let people know who I am"	Splits world into "gay" (good) and "straight" (bad)	Receive support with exploring issues of anger. Develop skills for coping with reactions/responses to disclosure of sexual identity. Resist being defensive
Identity Synthesis: Develops a more holistic view of self	Integration of LGBT identity instead of being the identity; it is one aspect of self	May be angry at dominant culture, but allows self to trust others. Should be encouraged to move in and out of the community and not simply define space according to sexual orientation

Overall, try to be aware of or remember:

• Don't assume that everyone is straight
• Don't treat me differently: ask about my partner, the rest of my life
• Confront homophobic behavior and statements
• Don't out me
• Advocate for LGBT issues against heterosexist policies
• Educate yourself about LGBT issues
• Ask questions
  • How long have you known that you were LGBT?
  • Is there someone special?
  • Has it been hard for you...?
  • Is there some way that I can be of help?

This was based on a study of forty-eight participants in the National Association for Women Deans, Administrators, and Counselors (Hollingdale & Kennedy, 1991)

Communication - According to Robbins (as cited in Romas and Sharma, 2000), we spend nearly 70 percent of our waking hours communicating-reading, writing, speaking, and listening. If this communication becomes defective or faulty, it often leads to stress.

The use of verbal language, however, can be critical. As a rule of thumb, if you're not sure about something (e.g., a concept or term) ask. It is usually better to ask than to 1) not ask, which can be interpreted as disinterest, or 2) use inappropriate terminology that can further distance/offend an LGBT individual.

Language - The use of non-heterosexist language provides support and affirmation to LGBT individuals:

• Lesbian/gay/bisexual/transgender vs. homosexual
• Sexual orientation vs. sexual preference or lifestyle
• Defining a common language (see handout)

Perhaps one of the most significant aspects/elements of responding to an LGBT individual is that of empathy (sometimes referred to as "emotional coaching").

Group process/discussion of what empathy means/what it means to be empathic
"[Empathy] means entering the private perceptual world of the other and becoming thoroughly at home in it.... To be with another in this way means that for the time being, you lay aside your own views and values in order to enter another's world without prejudice. In some sense it means that you lay aside yourself" (Rogers, 1980).

Unlike the myth that one must "have the perfect thing to say," research has shown that the most therapeutic element in the process of emotional healing is the relationship between an individual and the Other.
Empathy provides (Greenberg & Elliott, 1997):

• Confirmation
• Breaks individual's isolation
• Promotes the exploration of subjective experiences
• Helps the individual create new meaning

A balance is needed between understanding responses and exploratory responses.

Examples of what to do and what not to do: Scenarios with a focus on empathy for discussion

A student/friend seems sad a lot lately and you have noticed that s/he has begun to isolate more than usual. Additionally, you notice that your student/friend has lost interest in doing their homework, participating in activities, etc. You've heard rumors that s/he may have recently experienced a relationship break-up.

• What would you do?

Suppose that you decide to ask your student/friend about what's going on and [he tells you that his boyfriend has broken up with him][she tells you that her girlfriend has broken up with her] how would you respond?

Do nothing - "It's not my problem"	Wait for the individual to tell you about what's wrong	Tell the person that they should go to therapy	Ask, "What's wrong with you?"
Tell the individual, "Everything will get better. Don't worry"	Suggest that the person's lifestyle probably contributes to their unhappiness	Offer support and comfort by asking, "Is there anything I can do to help?"	Do nothing and believe that because they're LGBT that they have this problem
Say, "You only need to throw yourself back into your work"	Say, "I'm available to talk about what seems to be bothering you if feel that it would be helpful"	Say, "I heard that you're a homosexual and I just want you to know that I'm comfortable talking about it if you want to"	Say, "I've heard that you're having problems with your girlfriend/boyfriend and I just want you to know that it's no big deal to me. I'm willing to talk with you"
Offer that your student/friend talk with another LGBT person because they might understand	Inquire about how to be helpful and admit that you don't know very much about being LGBT. You can be helpful if they "teach" you	Be honest about lacking information and assume responsibility for understanding the basics of sexual identity/orientation issues	Suggest that if your student/friend chose a different sexual orientation such problems might be avoidable
Feel confused and wonder about how two people of the same sex could "love" each other in the first place	Assume that the relationship problems are related to one or both party's sexual promiscuity	Suggest that the student/friend talk with a priest/pastor/clergy	Assume that the student/friend is at a lower level of identity development and 1) offer to educate them, or 2) assume that it is a phase that they will outgrow
If you are a male, assume that your offer to help your female student/friend will be rejected because they probably hate men	Suggest that if the student/friend "comes out" s/he will get more support from others	Offer to set aside time to "just be with" your student/friend in order to provide emotional support without an agenda	Tell your student that you've got a lot of experience with LGBT issues (or that you are an LGBT person) and you know how they feel